Windows 95

( Nicht ganz Ernst gemeint!) 
Bastard Operator from Hell, Men in Red, NT5.0,, Dot Net Server, Shirt, Men and Women, Vater Bill,Restaurants, Windows 95 Source Code, Tomagotchi, Bill and God


Ja, das System ist abgestürzt. Nein, es würde nichts helfen, auf den Knien zu arbeiten.


Why do they call it Windows 95?
Because every time you upgrade you have to throw your old computer out of the window.


Vater Bill
Bill unser in Seattle,
geheiligt werde Dein Microsoft.
Dein Windows komme,
wie in Amerika so in Europa.
Unser täglich MSN gib´ uns heute.
Und vergieb´ uns unser OS/2,
wie auch wir vergeben unseren Hackern.
Und führe uns nicht zu UNIX,
sondern erlöse uns von Apple.
Denn Dein ist das Geld und das DOS
und die Firma in Ewigkeit
Enter.

*File Description: The Windows95 Source Code*


Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project:  Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
                                                    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
     }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {

     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just
testing");
       break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       pretend(there_is_no_problem);
       break;
     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
           " the 32 bits architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will
triple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       break;
     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
            everyone");
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
       when(time_is_ripe)
       {
         arrest(journalist);
         brainwash(journalist);
         when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
         {
           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
           release (journalist);
         }
       }
       break;
   }
   while (vapourware)
   {
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                              bastard");
      }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)

        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
at
     us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version
); }


void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}

P. Casier - Computer Operations DG XXI
pascal.casier@dg21.cec.be
--
bye, Rainer
*** BeBox 32MB/2GB + Falcon030FX/FPU/4+8MB/420 ***
















> 
> A.J. McCartan seems to be a well-spring of humorous stories....
> 
> 
> ----- forwarded -----
> Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
> her out to a movie; she accepts;they have a pretty good time. A few nights
> later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They
> continue to see each other regularly, and after a while  neither one of
> them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving
> home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
> aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other
> for exactly six months?"
> 
> And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
> silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I  wonder if it bothers him that I
> said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he
> thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't
> want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
> 
> And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
> relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
> have time to think about whether I  really want us to keep going the way we
> are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going?
> 
> Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
> Are we heading toward marriage?
> Toward children?
> Toward a lifetime together?
> Am I ready for that level of commitment?
> Do I really even know this person?
> 
> And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ....
> February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
> the dealer's, which means . . .  lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am
> way overdue for an oil change here.
> 
> And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
> reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
> more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
> it
> --
> that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's
> so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
> rejected.
> 
> And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
> again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
> And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
> cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn
> garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
> 
> And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame  him. I'd be angry,
> too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
> way I feel. I'm just not sure.
> 
> And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
> That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
> 
> And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
> to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
> perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
> care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
> pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
> 
> And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
> damn warranty. I'll take their warranty  and stick it right up their .... .
> .
> 
> "Roger," Elaine says aloud.
> 
> "What?" says Roger, startled.
> 
> "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
> brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have   . . Oh God, I feel so ...."
> (She breaks down, sobbing.)
> 
> "What?" says Roger.
> 
> "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
> know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
> 
> "There's no horse?" says Roger.
> 
> "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
> 
> "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
> 
> "It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
> 
> (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries
> to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
> thinks might work.)
> 
> "Yes," he says.
> 
> (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
> 
> "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
> 
> "What way?" says Roger.
> 
> "That way about time," says Elaine.
> 
> "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
> 
> (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
> becomevery nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
> a horse. At last she speaks.)
> 
> "Thank you, Roger," she says.
> 
> "Thank you," says Roger.
> 
> Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
> soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
> opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
> involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never
> heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
> something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
> there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's
> better if he doesn't think about it.
> 
> (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
> 
> The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
> and they will talk about this situation for six  straight hours. In
> painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he
> said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,
> and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
> ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
> weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
> getting bored with it, either.
> 
> Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
> his and Elaine's, will pause just  before serving, frown, and say: "Norm,
> did Elaine ever own a horse?"

--- end forwarded text


Donald Lee















>Restaurants Functioned Like MICROSOFT. . . . . > > Patron: Waiter! > Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What > seems to be the problem? > Patron: There's a fly in my soup! > Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. > Patron: No, it's still there. > Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a > fork instead. > Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. > Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of > bowl are  you using? > Patron: A SOUP bowl! > Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem; > how was the bowl set up? > Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the > fly in my soup?! > Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly > in your soup? > Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! > Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? > Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? > Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. > Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? > Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. > Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running > late now. > Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.) > Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check. > Patron: This is potato soup. > Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. > Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. > Waiter: (Leaves.) > Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup! > Waiter: That sir, is not a gnat.  It is the protein feature we have > now included for free with your upgrade. Didn't you read the license > agreement?  We are not liable for the disliking of our product > features! > Waiter: (Removes old check, and leaves a new one.) > Patron: (Reads the check:) > Soup of the Day . ........... ......... . ..  $  1.50 > Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . .         $  2.50 > Access to support . . . . . ............ . . .        $15.00   (3 > INCIDENTS x $5 ) > Subtotal  . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....... ......... $19.00 > Mandatory Gratuity. (25%) . . . . . .....     $  4.00 > Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .................         $23.00 > >

Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi Redmond WA, (AP). Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a $54 million lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me.  This is clearly an infringment on our technology". The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
>  Subject: (I) MICROSOFT NEWSFLASH > >  Bill Gates dies in a car accident.  He finds himself in purgatory, >  being sized up by God.... > >  "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to >  send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society >  by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also >  created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never >  done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want >  to go." > >  Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" >  God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if >  it will help your decision." > >  "Fine, but where should I go first?" >  "I'll leave that up to you." > >  "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." >  So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with >  clear waters and lots of Beautiful women running around, playing in >  the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the >  temperature perfect. He was very pleased. > >  "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to >  see heaven!" >  "Fine," said God, and off they went. > >  Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, >  playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. >  Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.  "Hmmm. I >  think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. >  "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."  So Bill Gates went to Hell. > >  Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to >  see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, >  shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being >  burned and tortured by demons. > >  "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. >  Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, >  "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! >  I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, >  with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the >  water???? > >  "That was a demo," replied God.